When the party hit full swing
I saw you come reeling in
You had that six-pack in a stranglehold
Now you stagger, now you sway
Why don't you fall the other way
'Cause I've got something here worth more than gold

I said "Don't sit on my Jimmy Shands
Don't sit on my Jimmy Shands
They don't mend with sticky tape and glue
Don't sit on my Jimmy Shands
Don't sit on my Jimmy Shands
And that's my very best advice to you"

Call me precious, I don't mind
78s are hard to find
You just can't get the shellac since the war
This one's the Beltona brand
Finest label in the land
They don't make them like that anymore

I said "Don't sit on my Jimmy Shands
Don't sit on my Jimmy Shands
Unless you want to wind up black and blue
Don't sit on my Jimmy Shands
Don't sit on my Jimmy Shands
And that's my very best advice to you"

Darling though you're twice my size
I don't mean to patronize
Honey let me lead you by the hand
Find a lap or find a chair
You can park it anywhere
Just don't rest your cheeks against my man

I said "Don't sit on my Jimmy Shands
Don't sit on my Jimmy Shands
They don't mend with sticky tape and glue
Don't sit on my Jimmy Shands
Don't sit on my Jimmy Shands
And that's my very best advice to you"

No shindig is half complete
Without that famous polka beat
That's why they invite me, I suppose
Waltzes, strathspeys, eights, some reels
Now you know how good it feels
Crank that handle babe, away she goes

I said "Don't sit on my Jimmy Shands
Don't sit on my Jimmy Shands
Unless you want to wind up black and blue"
I said "Don't sit on my Jimmy Shands
Don't sit on my Jimmy Shands
That's my very best advice to you"